Some Progress…

I have been doing something unfamiliar and uncomfortable lately: saying yes instead of no to opportunities that involve leaving my home and venturing into the world.

This is a big deal for me because, in recent years, I have said "no" to a lot, from invitations to go out with friends to attending events and traveling.

As some of you know, since I escaped from Scientology in 2013, I have been followed constantly by Scientology operatives and agents. These people hide in the shadows to monitor my movements and who I am meeting with so they can report back to Scientology's intelligence agency, the Office of Special Affairs, which reports directly to David Miscavige.

They also snap unflattering pictures of me to body shame me and use these photos in their latest campaigns in an attempt to undermine and destabilize me. Their posts include salacious headlines similar to "Leah with no job, abandoned by Hollywood because she is a bigot..." — they call me a bigot because I oppose Scientology’s abusive practices — and "Leah sitting alone because she has no friends," that they hope will have an impact on me psychologically but also on people who are in my life or might consider being in my life.

Scientology has gone from those tactics, which are bad enough, to hiring vulnerable people living with severe mental illness to harass and intimidate me. These people, who are being exploited by a tax-exempt organization with religious status, do not know who they are working for and why they're doing it. Among the many things they've done is break into my gated community.

Scientology has no problem putting me, my family, my friends, and those I work with in danger.

And so, as much as I have a persona of being a tough broad from Brooklyn, and as tough as I would like to be, their harassment does have a significant impact on my mental and physical health. And as Scientology intends, it has had an impact on anyone who might consider working with me to stop and reconsider because this criminal, unethical, and immoral conduct is what they would be exposing themselves to.

It has been a decade since I fled from Scientology with my family, but it is a constant struggle to push myself to experience my life.

I will have a good day and think to myself, "OK, tomorrow I'm going to continue to do things that I want to do," and then depression takes over. I get consumed by fear and find every reason not to go.

I have to fight this in myself every day. The process starts all over again from the moment I wake up; I want to get out; I want to experience so many things, including the mundane, and most days, I don't.

For me, a big win for my day is visiting a friend, visiting my mom, and playing canasta with her and her friends. I often post photos and videos of doing mundane things to my friends because I quietly celebrate going through with it. It's huge! Given my depression and very warranted fears of being hunted, as well as my concerns for my friends' safety, it's a big thing to overcome.

I wanted to share what I've been going through because if any of you feel this way, whether it's depression, anxiety, or any other reason, I understand. While our experiences may not be the same, the manifestation of what we are facing is similar.

On top of my struggles with depression, my body has seemed to change overnight, something women my age (53) go through naturally, but I know it still comes as a shock to so many of us.

Not only did I, out of nowhere, break out in hives and have some allergic reaction to something for which I now have to carry an EpiPen everywhere I go, but I am also going through Perimenopause. One can go through Perimenopause for many years before reaching menopause. It's been awful! Some go through it and never have symptoms, but some of us struggle and struggle hard. If I didn't have friends like Michelle Visage, who knows a hell of a lot about the subject of Perimenopause and menopause, and our excellent OB-GYN, this entire experience would've put me over the edge!

If you've read this far, thank you. I wrote this because I often feel very alone in experiencing it, and in writing about this and sharing it publicly, I hope to feel less isolated and hope that I can make some of you feel the same.